Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
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