I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
