You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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