i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
