I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
God, I missed his penis.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
