I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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