my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
