yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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