I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
