well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
