i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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