I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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