Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
