I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
