2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
