That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
