wakey wakey hands off snakey
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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