I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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