She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
