i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
