Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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