shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
