I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
did you just send me my own nude
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
