I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
