Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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