I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
