Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
