Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
