Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
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Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
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That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
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