Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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