The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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