My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
