Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
