I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
