my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't want my vagina anymore.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
