i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
