DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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