where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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