before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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