He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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