it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
