dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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