Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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