Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
