Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
