I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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