My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
