Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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