drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
