I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I love you. Go after that dick
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
