She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
