I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
